Ring Around The Rosie
by CelticFaerie2
Summary: Chaper 9!!! First look at Luka POV...And in the end he calls Carter just as both of them get paged by the ER...That can't be good for anybody..... Pease R/R
1. Chapter 1

Ring Around The Rosie  
  
An ER fan Fic by AbCaLuDa  
  
**Standard disclaimers apply. If you're reading fan fic you should know what those disclaimers are. I'm not responsible for creating ER in any way shape or form, nor am I making money off the use of the characters…  
  
Chapter One  
  
The room seemed to be spinning way too fast. I take a deep breath, but it did little good. I could feel myself drifting, and I could do nothing but give in to the blackness that engulfed me like the heavy, salty smell of the ocean. Waves rolling against the sand, lulling like a sweet melody, and I was helpless against the hypnotic pull.  
  
"Abby? Abby! Abby!" voices call to me, and I feel hands on my arms, fingers checking the pulse in my neck. "Abby! Can you hear me?" Of course I can hear you, Carter. I'm not deaf. But I can't talk. I can't move. I can't do anything but lay here. I don't want to talk or move. I want you to go away and let me rest in peace. "I need a gurney in here!"  
  
Leave me alone, Carter. If I could talk, that's what I'd say. Leave me alone. It's just stress. I've been under a lot of stress lately, even before the trip to Oklahoma, even before my mother tried to kill herself...again. It's just stress, that's all it is. Stress. And who cares if it kills me? Maybe that's exactly what I want.  
  
"Pulse is dropping!" He sounds frantic. Relax, Carter. I'm not going to die. Not yet anyway. I'm just tired. I need to rest. That's all. You try dealing with Maggie, you try calling Maggie "mom" and see how long it takes you to give up and fall on your face. Not that Carter's mother was much better, just not quite so crazy.  
  
My mother isn't a bad person. She's just...she needs help. She needs someone to make sure she takes her meds. She needs someone to watch out for her, every move. I can't do it. I've got my own life. Or I did, before she came back again. Now I don't know what I have. But I do know I can't take care of her alone. I won't.   
  
I don't even want to see her again. Part of me wishes she had died, right there in the back seat of the rental car from Oklahoma. Part of me wants to be the cause of her death, make her suffer as she has made me suffer.  
  
Oh God. I can't do this. I can't. I need help. Carter. Oh God, Carter. Please help me. I can't do this alone.   
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
"Abby?" Carter's voice again. I try not to respond, but my eyes flutter and open anyway. He is standing over me, looking down, smiling his impish Carter grin. "Welcome back." The light catches his eyes and makes them sparkle for just a moment.  
  
I say nothing, but close my eyes and turn my head to the side, away from him. I feel intense anger at myself for passing out at work, anger at him for being there and putting me on a gurney. Probably everyone in the hospital knows about it by now, and everyone would want to know what happened. Carter won't stop until he knows, and he has probably already ordered the test that would confirm my worst fears.  
  
"You gave me quite a scare." I feel the heat of his touch on my shoulder, scalding me like a red hot poker straight from a fire.  
  
"I passed out. That's all." I answer quickly, forcing the words out before I could change my mind. "I didn't eat breakfast this morning and I never had a chance to grab lunch either."  
  
"You've been out for five minutes." He sits down on the stool by my bed, and despite myself I look over at him. He sits so regal-like, his back straight like the good little doctor he tries so hard to be.   
  
"So?" I snap a little more harsh than I meant to. I know he means well, and he is a great friend. He's perhaps the best friend I've ever had. Hell, he's the only real friend I've had since grade school.  
  
He takes a deep breath and pushes his fingers against his eyes like he does when he's tired or trying to think of a way to avoid something he knows he can't get out of. "So I ordered a pregnancy test."   
  
"Carter..." I swear my heart skipped a beat to hear the words out loud.   
  
"Don't worry, I didn't put your name on it."   
  
Well, that was a relief. Such a Boy Scout, always trying to do the noble thing according to the patient and not hospital policy. But what did it matter really? It might buy me a little time, but not much. "I'm under a lot of stress, and I'm not eating right. I'm not pregnant."  
  
"But it is possible, isn't it?"   
  
"No." I snap at him, even when I know he is only trying to understand.   
  
"You're not sleeping with Luka then?" Stop prying, Carter. Stop right now before I burst with all this anger and frustration I've got locked up inside.  
  
I narrowed my eyes to glare at him. "That is none of your business." This time I did mean to sound harsh and critical and disgusted. He deserves it with a question like that.  
  
"You're right. I'm sorry. I was out of line." He presses his fingers to his eyes again and issues a deep, weary sigh.  
  
"Damn right you were." I sigh. My relationship with Luka had always been a sensitive subject for Carter and me. How could I ever tell him the truth? "Carter, I don't want to fight with you."  
  
"I don't want to fight either."  
  
"But I'm not pregnant." The very thought of it makes me feel nauseous and horrified. I can *not* be pregnant. I am the kind of woman who likes to admire babies and children from afar. I'm not the kind of woman who has babies. I wouldn't know what to do with a baby, my mother denied me a good, or even acceptable, example.  
  
"I'm not pregnant." I say again, and the words dissolve into tears. Of course Carter was right there, scooping me up in his arms, holding my head against his shoulder so my tears soaked his lab coat. "I'm not...pregnant."  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
In case anyone has a sense of de-ja-vu with this story, a friend of mine posted a couple chapters a few months ago under the title Girl Lost, but she gave it to me, because in her words, I am much more passionate about ER than she is. I may not even have to say that, but I feel obligated to let you know I have reworked the first few chapters, to give the fic a more Carby spin ;) Just hang in there with me, sit back, enjoy the read, and let me know what you think via the review button…Thanks 


	2. Chapter 2

Ring Around The Rosie  
  
An ER fan fiction by AbCaLuDa  
  
**See chapter one for disclaimers and such  
  
Chapter Two  
  
"Abby?" I close my eyes against his voice. It's not that I didn't want to see him, God knows I want him to take me in his arms and hold me, but I just lay there, not sure how to reach out to him, afraid to reach out to him.  
  
Luka and I have been 'seeing' each other for about six months. He killed a man on our first date. A man that knocked him out with a lead pipe then tried to snatch my purse, but a man just the same. It's been an up hill battle ever since, and some days I wonder why he stays with me. Lord knows he could do so much better, find a sweet girl with a normal mother and normal emotions.  
  
"Abby, are you all right?" Damn him for being so sweet and perfect. So warm and caring. And that accent…He's the kind of guy every girl dreams about marrying. I heard the air hiss out of the stool when he sat down beside my bed.  
  
"I'm fine, Luka," I manage a weak attempt to reassure him, without looking at him. I know he sees my mother every time he looks at me, and he wonders if I'm going to turn out like her. He's probably waiting for the first signs so he can lock me up in some institution, visit me every other weekend.  
  
His fingers feel like the soft whisper of caterpillars crawling on my arms. My brother and I used to hunt caterpillars when we were little. I loved how they felt crawling on my skin. Soft and tingly and somehow comforting, as if I could believe everything was right in the world because I held a caterpillar in my hands. Someday that caterpillar would be a beautiful butterfly, and life goes on.  
  
I'm like those caterpillars I used to catch. Helpless, at the mercy of someone else. Not very pretty to look at, but full of promise and potential. I'm the caterpillar, and Luka is me. I'm crawling on his arm and he has the power, to let me keep crawling, to force me on a new path, to throw me down and stomp on me.  
  
"Abby, look at me." His voice is intoxicating. I never knew anyone from Croatia before. His accent is so soft and melodic, like a lullaby from one of those colorful mobiles that would hang above a baby's crib. I turn my head to him without meaning to. I don't want to look at him. I don't think I can stand to see the sadness in his eyes.  
  
"Luka..." Saying his name broke the barrier I had so carefully built around myself. I start crying, my face twisting with the release. I feel like an idiot, like a stupid child. And of course Luka is right there, moving to sit with me on the bed, wrapping his arms around me, holding my head against his shoulder.  
  
"Shhhh, Abby. It's all right." He strokes my hair. I don't know how long we stayed like that, me crying and him comforting me with whispers and soft caresses. I don't think you can measure time like that, when you can feel your whole world crashing down around your feet and you don't know which way to turn to make it right again, if it can ever be made right again.  
  
I don't deserve him. He's too good to me. He's so supportive and so...well, perfect. So unlike Richard. Richard would never hold me like this, Richard would never whisper reassuring words in my ear, he'd walk away and leave me to work through my emotions on my own. He always said they were my emotions, my problem, not his.  
  
"Sorry to keep you waiting," Carter breezed into the little exam room, and came up short seeing Luka. The tension between the two men was palpable, thick enough to cut with a knife as the saying goes. I could almost feel the heat of Luka's gaze penetrating Carter's think skin.   
  
Luka slips out of the bed, and stands next to it. Carter takes a deep breath, straightens his back to stand a little taller, He looks at me, swiftly avoiding Luka. "I had a patient. Luka, I think Dr. Weaver is looking for you."  
  
"I'll be back." Luka bends down to kiss my cheek, then my forehead. He squeezes my hand then goes to the door. He looks back and blows a kiss off his hand before he disappears. I close my eyes, take a deep breath, try to hold my composure because all I really want to do is cry.  
  
Carter waits a few seconds before sitting on the stool. "Thank you," I whisper, and I know he has the results of the pregnancy test because of the softness and concern painted on his face like make-up. I shut my eyes, still in denial, and not willing to face the reality.  
  
"Abby..."  
  
"Don't. Carter. Just...please don't." I feel the tears rising again, filling my eyes, spilling over my cheeks. I wipe my face with the backs of my hands.  
  
Richard and I knew we would never have kids. He didn't want them to interfere with his career, and I was afraid of them. Not other people's kids, just the thought of having my own. I swore I would never bring a child into this world, never pass on the genes my mother must have given to me. And in the end, when Mother Nature gave me the real test, I followed through on all those promises I had made to myself.   
  
"Abby, we should do an ultrasound."  
  
"No!" I shot a desperate glance at him. "I don't want to know."  
  
"Abby..." His dark eyes seemed to shine with tears. How absurd that he should cry for me. Damn him for being so...so...so perfect and wonderful and concerned.  
  
"No. I said no."  
  
"What are you going to tell Luka?"  
  
I glare at him and wish he would disappear with a little pop. He'd be there one moment, and gone the next, and if anyone asked me if I had seen the good Dr. Carter, I'd say 'No.'  
  
"Leave me alone, Carter." If I could get him to leave before Luka came back, maybe I could sneak out and catch the first bus out of town. I'd go to Mexico and never look back. I'd change my name and pretend Abigail Wyczenski-Lockhart never existed.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
I hope you all like this chapter. Let me know in review. If you've made it this far, please let me know you're out there. Feedback is like food to a writer. Thank you. 


	3. Chapter 3

Ring Around The Rosie  
  
An ER fan fiction by AbCaLuDa  
  
Chapter Three  
  
I don't want to look. I don't want to see. I know what it looks like. All dark and shadowy, and if I look close enough I could probably see a tiny head, maybe an arm, a leg, the round swell of a little tummy. Hearing the heart beat is enough. More than enough. I don't want to see, to wonder, to dream.  
  
"Looks like eight weeks," Carter announces. I grit my teeth. I don't want to know! I hate the feel of the slimey gel on my stomach, and Carter looking, assuming things he couldn't even begin to know. I hate the undeniable reality. I am pregnant. A baby. My baby. Eight weeks. Two months. Inside me. Growing. Taking nourishment from me. Part of me.  
  
I wonder what my mother felt when she found out she was pregnant. I can't picture her sitting on the exam table at the doctor's office, smiling her sweet smile, hearing the news. How do you tell a crazy woman she's pregnant? Do you offer alternatives, such as abortion, to save the child? My father must have been terrified, knowing there was a good chance she would pass her crazy genes on to the kid.   
  
I can't do this. I can't. I just can't be a mother. Not now, not like this.   
  
"Abby, let me get Luka. You should tell him."  
  
"No. Carter. No." I open my eyes, and look at him. Glare at him. Try to bore holes in his skin. "I can't tell Luka," I whisper. Not now. Not ever. Luka will want the baby. He will probably drop down to one knee and propose on the spot. And he can't possibly understand why I would say no. No to marriage, no to baby. I can't do it. I can't.  
  
"He has to find out sometime."  
  
"Not here, Carter. Not in a trauma room."  
  
Carter puts his hand on my shoulder. A comforting warmth. If the baby was his...No, I can't think that way. It's not his. Can't be his. He would make a great daddy. I close my eyes again, picturing John Carter, father extraordinaire. Three or four little dark haired kids dancing around at his feet at the end of every shift, and Carter smiling, in his element, loving every minute, every second of being a father.  
  
I think of Luka, and how his eyes fill with tears every time he talks about his first children. Jasna and Marko. He always smiles when he thinks about them, even though I know he wants to cry for the injustice of it. Two innocent children and a loving wife, three among thousands, killed in senseless acts of war.  
  
Luka would be a wonderful daddy, I know he would. My baby would be his second chance.   
  
Stop. Abby, don't go there. So far, Carter is the only one who knows about the baby. And Carter will keep the secret, if I ask him.   
  
I don't open my eyes again until Carter switches off the ultrasound monitor. He is looking at me, his puppy-dog eyes fixed in a penetrating stare. "You need to take better care of yourself. You've worked OBGYN. You know how important it is."  
  
"Don't. Carter, don't lecture me. I'm not in the mood."  
  
"Of course you're not." I don't particularly care for the sarcasm in his tone.  
  
"Don't start with that bull shit either. I'm not asking you to be my savior, Carter. I don't need an angel." No, but it sure would be nice. I could almost feel him pull me into his arms, his fingers in my hair, his lips against my ear telling me everything will be okay.  
  
"You need something."  
  
"Yes I do. I need to be left alone."  
  
I know Carter doesn't like that answer because he puts his fingers against his eyes and scrunches his face up for a second. When he looks at me again, he doesn't smile. "Abby..."  
  
"I said don't, Carter. Don't start. Just go, leave me alone."  
  
A moment later he is gone. I know he will be back, even though I hurt his feelings and he doesn't deserve that. He's only trying to help. Good old Carter. Such a good doctor. Such a good friend, despite my grumpy attitude, my mood swings, my resistance.  
  
I don't know how long I lay there counting stains on the ceiling, but when the door to my little trauma room prison opens I know it is Carter and I don't even bother to look at him. Maybe I should. He's hurt, I had hurt him, his feelings, his pride. I don't deserve his friendship. I wouldn't blame him if he had gone around the hospital to tell everyone I was pregnant. Especially Luka, and maybe I wanted him to do it, so I wouldn't have to tell Luka myself.  
  
"Abby? Are you all right? Why is there an ultrasound in here?" Luka. Oh God. Luka. Not Carter. Oh God. I'm not ready for this. I'm not ready to see him. I'm not ready to tell him.  
  
I open my eyes, stare at him. It's the only defense I have. I feel like a deer in the headlights of an oncoming car, and there is nowhere to run. No way out. A baby. My baby. Inside me. Growing. Two months.   
  
"Are you pregnant, Abby?"  
  
My mouth won't work. I can't talk. No sound. Nothing. Just a blank stare, and the deafening thump of my heart beating in my chest.  
  
Finally I manage a nod. A weak, pathetic nod. And the inevitable happens. Luka smiles. His whole face seems to light up. Even his eyes. He's happy. Of course he is. A baby. A second chance. Jasna and Marko are dead, his babies had been gone a ten long lonely years.  
  
"Abby..." He starts, and stops, overcome with emotion. His voice cracks. He comes to me, reaches for my hand.   
  
I snatch it away from him. "It's not yours." His face crumbles, the joy shattered. I feel horrible, but it's the only thing I can do. The only way I can make him shut down. And he has to shut down. I can't let him be happy. I can't let him make me want the baby. I don't want it. I can't. I can't be a mother.   
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
**You'll just have to keep reading to find out if Abby is telling the truth here or not. ;) Please use the review button below and tell me what you think! 


	4. Chapter 4

Ring Around The Rosie  
  
An ER fan fiction by AbCaLuDa  
  
Chapter 4  
  
He stares at me, his eyes cold and hard and distant. He's going t question me, I know he is. I'm not sure I have the strength to lie to him anymore. Saying those words was hard enough. But it was all I had.   
  
"What are you saying, Abby?" His voice is clam. But his accent is just a little more prominent than usual. A good sign he's upset. Of course he's upset. He has every right to be upset.  
  
I try not to blink. I try to hold his gaze. I really just want to crawl up in a dark corner, under a rock, and die. How could I do this to him? Because he would beg me to keep the baby, and I can't refuse him anything. He doesn't understand the risks, he doesn't want to understand. So I have to do this my way. The only way to make it work.  
  
"I'm sorry, Luka."  
  
He shakes his head. Then he stands, paces. His silence kills me. I feel part of me dying inside. I love him. I really love him, as much as I could ever love anyone. But I can't do this. I can't have a baby. His baby.   
  
He mutters something under his breath. I don't catch the words. I think he said it in Croatian. His defense. He uses his native language like a shield because he knows I don't know what he's saying.  
  
"Who?" He stands at the foot on the bed, his hands in the pockets of his lab coat. Luka Kovac is not someone to mess with. He could tear me in half with his bare hands. And if he did, I would deserve it.  
  
I look to the side. There's a young girl in the next room. She looks like she's three, maybe four. A man is with her, probably her father, holding her hand. No woman, no mother. I close my eyes and lay my hands on my stomach.  
  
"Luka…"  
  
"No, Abby. I want to know. Who is it? Is it Carter?"  
  
My eyes fly open, panic races through my veins. "No!" I yelp. What would Luka do to him, to Carter, if he thought, if he really believed the baby was Carter's?   
  
"Then who?"  
  
"I don't know."  
  
"That's just great, Abby. You really are a piece of work."  
  
I hate hurting him, but I have to. It's the only way. I have to protect myself. And the baby. I'm not a mother. I can't be a mother. I have to do this. Better to get him so mad at me he never wants to look at me, than let him know the truth.  
  
"Luka…"  
  
He storms out of the room. I imagine the door slamming behind him. And then I cry. I cry because there's nothing else I can do. "I'm sorry, Luka. I'm so sorry…"  
  
* * * * * * * * * *   
  
My father used to tell me I would find someone special. I would get married and raise a family of my own. I wanted to believe him. I tried so hard to believe him, when I was little. But my mother was always there to contradict him. No one would ever love me. Anyone who would marry me had to be crazy like her, or desperate. Richard was...I'm not sure what Richard was, but Mom was right. Mom was always right about things like that.  
  
I clasped my hands over my stomach. Still flat. Maybe if I closed my eyes and wished really hard...  
  
"I saw Luka. He looks upset." I didn't even hear the door open, he is just there. My savior, just a little too late.  
  
"Go away, Carter."   
  
He sits down on the exam stool and scoots it up to the bed. Why was I still here? I should have slipped out long ago, before Carter could hook me up to that damn machine, after that at the very least. I should have slipped out and grabbed a cab to the nearest bus station.   
  
I keep my eyes shut. Squeezed shut. Tight. And when I feel his hand cover mine, I lean forward, leaning into him, against his shoulder. He releases my hand and I catch his neck in the circle of my arms.  
  
I should tell him. He would understand why I did it. Carter. My best friend. My only friend. I have to tell him. Soon everyone will know.   
  
"I told Luka…I told Luka the baby isn't his."  
  
He pulls away from my hold on him and looks in my eyes. "What?" He's searching my face for answers.   
  
I look down, at my hands. I can't look at him. He sucks his breath in. He hates me. I knew it. I never should have told him. I'm a horrible person.   
  
I shake my head, just slightly. I can't talk. What could I say to make this okay? I can't tell him the baby is Luka's. I have to make everyone believe it's not. I met some guy, in a bar, I was drinking. May as well blow the sobriety thing and make sure everyone thinks I'm a total loser.   
  
"You don't have to tell me." He says softly. Damn him. My savior. My best friend. I can't lose him. No matter what I do about the baby, I think I could deal with it. I could deal with the fear, the insecurity, everything...if I had Carter by my side.   
  
"I can't, Carter. I'm sorry."  
  
"It's okay." He forces my head up with a single finger curled under my chin. Tears smear my face, yet he smiles. His quirky Carter smile. God I could love him. Why did he have to be so...so...not perfect, but damn close to it.   
  
A fresh wave of tears crashes to the surface, filling, spilling, streaming. Carter pulls me against him, cradling my head to his shoulder, stroking my hair, whispering promises of happily ever after in my ear.   
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Use the review button to leave your thoughts and opinions. Just in case anyone is not quite sure…the baby is Luka's. Thanks for reading! 


	5. Chapter 5

Ring Around The Rosie  
  
An ER fan fiction by AbCaLuDa  
  
Chapter 5  
  
"There are other options," he says, but he's shaking his head too. He knows the answer already. He knows I can't have the baby. I can't carry it inside of me, feel it growing there, living because of me, and then give it up. To strangers. I can't take the risk that the baby would be sick, like my mother. I can't live my life never knowing, always wondering, fearing someday someone will show up at my door, son or daughter, sick or maybe by some miracle not sick…  
  
"I can't, Carter. I can't…" I moan. I'm pathetic. Horrible.   
  
"I know." His voice has that raspy quality he gets when his emotions are all out of whack. He sounds like he might cry. I don't want him to cry for me. I don't deserve that. I don't deserve him, his friendship, his love.  
  
I reach up, put my palm against his cheek. He feels so warm. So wonderfully warm. "I need to be alone."  
  
He nods and reaches up to squeeze my hand. For just a moment our fingers entwine then he lets go, backs up, stands. He looks back from the door, smiles his beautiful quirky Carter smile. If he ever has kids I think it would be a sin if they didn't inherit that smile.   
  
"You know how to find me if you need me."  
  
I nod and he's gone. Just like that. The door swings shut behind him. I close my eyes for a moment, and I imagine what it would be like to hold my newborn baby. I can see the child wrapped up in the receiving blanket, a little knit cap on his head. Her head. Its head. My baby's head.  
  
The tears came then, and I knew I couldn't make it stop. I turned on my side, burying my face in the pillow. My life sucks. Some part of me wonders what I have done to deserve this. I mean, why me? I am not fit to be a mother, obviously, because mothers don't think about killing their children. At least they're not supposed to. A mother is supposed to love, and sacrifice, and do anything for their babies. All I want is for this whole thing to go away. Why can't I just wake up, in my bed, in Luka's arms, and this whole day was just some crazy nightmare?  
  
I like to sleep with my head on his chest. He makes a great pillow. And I love how he keeps his hand in my hair, his fingers lightly scratching at my head.   
  
I guess that will never happen again. He hates me. He should hate me. I can't blame him if he never wants to see my face again. I don't even want to see my own face again. I wonder how long I can go through life without looking in a mirror?  
  
* * * * * * * * * *  
  
  
  
"Miss, Miss, we're here," the cab driver's voice pulls me out of the haze of trying to concentrate on my breathing so I won't have to think about what I'm doing. I give him money for the fare and a little extra for a tip. He thanks me and I climb out of the car. He drives away and I watch him until the unmistakable yellow fades to a dot on the horizon, then nothing.  
  
I take one step toward the clinic. Another. One foot in front of the other. And suddenly I don't think I can take even one more step.  
  
My hands are on my stomach. Protecting the baby. My baby. A life inside me. Dependant on my. Counting on me.   
  
I can't do this.   
  
I turn away, the other direction. There was a gas station on the corner. Why can't I remember Carter's number?   
  
My hands are shaking. I'm not sure I can even dial. I pick up the receiver, drop the two quarters I need to put in the slot.   
  
I feel like the whole world is spinning out of control. I see my mother's face. Richard. Luka. Carter. All of them blending into one, spinning around like a crazy kaleidoscope. I can't breathe. I want to die.   
  
Dying would be so much easier than this.  
  
I have to get those quarters. I have to call Carter. Carter will come get me. Carter will make everything all right. I bend down, holding on to the pay phone receiver. I can't let go of it. Right now it feels like the only thing I've got to hold on to.  
  
I drop the quarters in the slot. I close my eyes, take a deep breath, offer a silent prayer that he is home. My fingers know the number even if my mind doesn't. They jump frantically, I feel like I have no control.   
  
One ring. Two. Come one Carter. Please, God. Let him be home. Three. Carter, I need you. Please. I don't know what I'll do if you're not home, Carter. Four rings. Please.   
  
"Yeah?" The sound of his voice breaks something in me. I can't breathe. Tears spill from my eyes. "Hello? Who is this? Hello?" He sounds irritated.   
  
I take a deep breath to try to steady myself. I open my mouth, but I can't form words. Only a moan. A helpless moan.  
  
"Abby? Abby, is that you? Abby, where are you?"  
  
I hit my head against the phone box. I don't even know if that's what it's called. What else could it be called?   
  
"Abby, you have to tell me where you are. I can't come get you if I don't know where you are. Abby, are you all right?"  
  
"Fifth street," I manage through the tears. E sucks his breath in. He knows about the clinic on Fifth street. "Please…"  
  
"I'm on my way, Abby. Don't go anywhere. I'll be there in fifteen minutes."  
  
I nod. I don't care that he can't see me. The line goes dead. I hold on to the receiver. I used to wonder if people ever really slid to the floor in real life like they do in the movies sometimes…  
  
* * * * * * * * *  
  
Please use the review option to give me some feedback. Let me know what you're thinking. Please. Thanks so much! 


	6. Chapter 6

Ring Around The Rosie  
  
An ER fan fiction by AbCaLuDa  
  
Chapter 6  
  
I am awake, but I don't want to open my eyes. They open anyway and glance around the room. Where am I? This room is too elegant to be mine. It's not Luka's apartment. Carter. I called Carter to pick me up. I'm at Carter's house. His grandmother's house from the looks of it.  
  
I close my eyes again, squeeze them shut. I don't want to be here. I don't want to think about the baby inside me. I couldn't go through with killing it. I did that once, and the guilt still haunts me. And I still believe I did the right thing. I never told Richard I was pregnant, but I know he wouldn't have wanted it, and I didn't want it then and I certainly wouldn't want to have Richard's kid now.  
  
I feel my hands on my stomach, rubbing it gently. My baby is in there. "I know I've made some bad choices, sweetheart," I whisper, "but I'm going to try to do right by you. You know that, don't you? Nothing else matters anymore."   
  
"I'm glad you realize that," Carter says softly from the door. I feel a little angry that he stood there listening, but I can't really feel angry at Carter. He's our savior. "How are you feeling?"  
  
"Tired. But okay, I guess."  
  
"Good. Breakfast is ready downstairs."  
  
I shake my head. He's just standing at the door like he's afraid to come into the room. "Carter, you don't have to…"  
  
"Get dressed and come down. Please. You have to eat."  
  
I nod. "Okay."  
  
He nods too and closes the door.  
  
I want to stay in bed all day. I don't want to get up and face the world. I want to lie here and just forget about everything. But Carter is waiting, and I know he will come back if I don't get moving. So I get up and get ready.  
  
* * * * * * * * * *  
  
He holds my hand as we approach the hospital. I don't know what I would do without him. He is my lifeline right now, the only thing keeping me from seriously thinking about ending it all.  
  
The ER is calm right now. Looks like there are no traumas, and only a few names on the board. Everyone is just milling around, doing what needs to be done in down-time. A few of the nurses look up when we walk in and Lydia raises her eyebrows. I assume Carter glares at her or something, because she turns away and pretends to be busy.  
  
Carter leads me to the lounge. I wonder if Luka is working today, and I sigh. I used to know his schedule as well as my own, so I knew when we would be working together, when we would both be off at the same time.   
  
I hope he's not working. I'm not ready to face him. I don't think I'll ever be ready to face him again.  
  
And of course he is in the lounge. He looks up from the newspaper when we walk in. I try not to look at him, but I notice he looks tired. Carter squeezes my hand and I love him for it.   
  
"Abby, Carter," Luka says our names in a polite greeting. I can hear the pain in his voice and I hate myself for hurting him. I know I should tell him the truth, the baby really is his, there's never been anyone else since I've been with him. I know he thinks the baby is Carter's, and that hurts him more than if it was just some random guy.   
  
"Luka," Carter nods at him. The tension between them is thick as fog on a mountain. They remind me of school boys planning to meet behind the bleachers for a brawl after school. I really hate myself.  
  
I hover near the door, as far from Luka as I can be. Hopefully I'll be able to avoid him most of the day. But how long can I expect to keep my distance? I'm going to have to tell him the truth. The baby is his, and I am going to keep it. I tried to get rid of it, I got all the way to the clinic to get an abortion and I just couldn't do it.   
  
I've done it once. And I don't regret it. I never even told Richard I was pregnant. I knew he wouldn't want it. A baby would have interfered with his me-me-me mindset. He would have seen a child as a burden, a hassle, an inconvenience. Luka would love his baby, his second chance.  
  
I steal a glance in his direction. He's reading the newspaper, or pretending to read it so he doesn't have to look at Carter and me. I don't know how he will react when I tell him. If I tell him. He might reject me anyway, or refuse to believe me because I lied to him already, or he might go the other way and want to marry me to give the baby his name. Both of those possibilities scare the shit out of me.  
  
Richard always said my biggest problem was that I never knew what I wanted.   
  
I thought Carter would never be ready and I don't know why I didn't just leave the lounge without him. But I waited and he reached for my hand again.  
  
How different my life would be if Carter was the father of this baby.   
  
I look up at him and I know he would be a good father. I just wonder if he would be willing to say the baby was his. Would he do that, knowing it's Luka's? Could I justify lying to Luka, to the world, to the baby? No one would ever have to know the truth except Carter and me. If Carter would agree to it.   
  
It's crazy and I have no right to ask. How can I even think of it? Because it would be so much easier. I've hurt Luka so much already. I wouldn't put it past him to try to take the baby away from me as soon as it's born.   
  
Dear God, what have I gotten myself into?  
  
* * * * * * * * *   
  
Please use the review button, it's there for a reason. I want to know what you're thinking at this point. I know the whole Luka, Abby, Carter triangle is a touchy subject for most because most people are either Luby or Carby supporters and I'm open to both…And I honestly don't know which way this fic is going to go…Your opinion matters! But only, only, ONLY if you voice it. So what are you waiting for??? 


	7. Chapter 7

Ring Around The Rosie  
  
An ER fan fiction by AbCaLuDa  
  
Chapter 7  
  
We're on a break, and I convinced him to take a walk because I didn't want to risk running into Luka in the lounge or anywhere else. He's holding my hand, being the perfect gentleman. I can just imagine him with a kid.  
  
We stop walking and sit together on a bench overlooking the water. I feel like the silence between us is thick enough to cut with a knife. I take a deep breath. "I want you to say the baby is yours."  
  
He blinks and the color drains from his face. "What?"  
  
I stand up and walk toward the water. "Say it's yours. You don't have to marry me or anything but…"  
  
He's right behind me, and his hand is on my arm. I turn to look at him, and I know my face is burning with shame. I can feel the heat in my cheeks and I want to die. Just fall down and die right there at his feet.  
  
"Abby, I can't. You know I can't."  
  
I look at him for a long moment, and I want him to save me. Save me from myself, Carter. You're such a great guy, you've always done everything I ever asked. Why not this? Why won't you save me?  
  
"You know I love you and I'd do anything for you, but this isn't right. You should tell Luka the truth."  
  
I shake my head. "Luka hates me. I already told him the baby isn't his. He thinks it's yours anyway."  
  
He doesn't seem shocked by that. "But it isn't mine, Abby. The baby is Luka's and a simple DNA test can prove it if he doubts it."  
  
"I should have gotten rid of it."  
  
"Don't say that, Abby." Carter pulls me to him and holds me to his chest. I lay my cheek against him and I can feel the steady beat of his heart.   
  
"I wish it was yours," I whisper. He just holds me and his fingers are gently moving against my head.   
  
I think he says "So do I," but I'm not sure I didn't just imagine it.   
  
"We should get back to the hospital."  
  
"I don't want to go back. I don't want to see Luka."  
  
"You're going to have to face him sooner or later. For your own sake you should do it now."  
  
He's right, I know he's right. But that doesn't mean I like it. I never should have asked him to lie for me. I knew he would never do it, and I know he'll think of it now every time he looks at me. I should just leave.   
  
But where would I go? I don't have any money. Money isn't an issue for Carter or Luka. Carter would tell Luka the baby is his, and Luka would probably use his money to hire a private investigator to find me and bring me home.   
  
I pull away from him and move a few steps in front of him, so my back is to him. I press my hands to my stomach. "Why is this happening to me?" I moan.  
  
"You're having a baby, Abby. That's supposed to be a happy thing. You don't have to be so depressed about it."  
  
He sounds angry. He is angry. He has a right to be angry. I'm acting like a scared teenager who has to tell her parents she messed up.   
  
"I'm sorry I'm not happy about it, Carter. But I'm not happy. I don't want to be a mother. I never wanted to be a mother."  
  
"Then why couldn't you go through with the abortion?"  
  
"I don't know. I really don't. I should have." My words dissolve into sobs, and he's there, holding me again. "I'm scared, Carter. I'm so scared."  
  
"You don't have to be. Luka is a good man, Abby. He'll take care of you."  
  
I shake my head and look up at him, into those beautiful puppy-dog brown eyes. "I don't love Luka, Carter. If he knows the baby is his he'll want to marry me and I don't want to marry him. I don't love him like I love you."  
  
"Abby…"  
  
I push away from him and start walking. "Just…forget it, Carter. Forget everything. Forget I ever asked you to claim the baby. Forget what I just said. Forget about me all together."  
  
He jogs to keep up with me. "You can't say something like that and tell me to forget it, Abby."  
  
"Why not? You know we can't be together. I'm having Luka's baby, Carter."  
  
"I know." His voice cracks like a teenaged boy.   
  
"So why are you being so nice to me?"  
  
"Because I love you."  
  
We stand there and stare at each other for a long time. I don't know what's happening, what I'm supposed to say or do now. I want to curl up under a rock and disappear. I want to get on the first bus out of town. I want to run away, as far from Chicago as I can get, and I want Carter to come with me so we can start over, just the two of us, the three of us, someplace where Luka could never find us.  
  
But that's not fair. I know it's not fair. The baby I'm carrying is Luka's. Luka has a right to know. Luka has a right to be part of his child's life. Luka has a right to be a father again.  
  
Uninvited tears start the flow down my cheeks and I move into Carter's open arms. "We'll think of something, Abby."  
  
"How?"  
  
"Luka…Luka is a good man. He's reasonable. We'll talk to him and work something out."  
  
I want to believe him. I really do, but I still think it would be easier to just leave town.  
  
"Or you could just say the baby is yours."  
  
He shakes his head. "I can't do that, Abby."  
  
"I know. But it would be a lot easier for all of us if you would."  
  
"But it's not right. It's not far to Luka, or the baby."  
  
"I know." I sigh. "Why do you always have to be right?"  
  
"Come on, we really should get back to work."  
  
* * * * * * * *  
  
Well, what do you think? I'm leaning in the Carby direction, but Luka isn't just going to go away…Keep those reviews coming so I know what you're thinking. Thanks so much for reading! 


	8. Chapter 8

Ring Around The Rosie  
  
An ER fan fiction by AbCaLuDa  
  
Chapter 9  
  
I turn the bottle of pills over in my hand just to hear them rattle. It would be so easy. Just open the bottle, open my mouth, and swallow. That's all. As long as no one found me for a few minutes, I'd be free in no time.   
  
I open the lid and look in. Fifty little pills. They look like stars winking at me from the vast void of the night sky.   
  
My hand twitches. I can't do. Dear God, I can't make myself do it. I don't want to die. I just want to wake up from this nightmare.   
  
I drop the bottle in the trash can. The pills scatter and it sounds like rain for half a second when several of them hit the metal with a little click-clack all at once. I force myself to walk away before I get down on my knees and pick out every one of those pills.  
  
"Abby?" Carter knocks on the bathroom door. "Is everything all right?"  
  
"I'm fine," I call back. I'm beginning to think I don't want to run away with him after all, if he's going to keep acting like my shadow. I've been in here less than five minutes, and he's already banging on the door.   
  
I wish he would just go away for a little while. Not long. I don't really want to be alone. Just a few minutes. Just five or ten minutes of pure, uninterrupted quiet.  
  
I wonder if Luka will ask me to marry him when he finds out the baby really is his. I wouldn't be surprised. Either that, or he'll take the baby away from me. Maybe that would be better. Then I wouldn't have to be a mother, and Luka could have a family again.  
  
Carter knocks again. I sigh and open the door. He looks like he's been up all night, pacing the floor. I love that he is so concerned and so attentive but it drives me up the wall at the same time and I want him to back off.  
  
"I'm going home," I tell him.  
  
His brow furrows. "I don't think…"  
  
"It's not your decision, Carter. I want to go home. I want to sleep in my own bed. I want to be in my apartment, with my things."  
  
"Will you at least let me drive you?"  
  
I nod. I know he'll try his damnedest to talk me out of it on the way, but he won't be able to. I've made up my mind. I want to go home. I need time alone to think, to figure this whole thing out on my own.  
  
I can't think straight when I'm around him. Just being near him clouds my judgment. I love him so much, and I don't want to hurt him. He's done so much for me, and he'll continue to do more I'm sure. But I have to get away from him. I have to think through this on my own.  
  
* * * * * * *  
  
He insists on walking me in, and I know he's still holding out hope that I'll change my mind and go back to the mansion with him. I won't. I can't.   
  
"Are you sure…" he starts. I shake my head and he falls silent. He takes my hand in his and raises it up to kiss my knuckles. "Call me…if you need me."  
  
"I promise." We hug, and he leaves. I know he doesn't want to go, but he also knows he has no choice. I might never forgive him if he doesn't let me do this.  
  
I feel a heavy emptiness in my heart when he's gone. I wander around the apartment, almost like checking to make sure everything is in place. It all feels different somehow. Or maybe it's me. I'm different. I'll never be the same again, no matter what happens now.  
  
I settle on the sofa with my knees drawn up. I sit there and stare at the wall, counting my breaths to keep from thinking about Carter or Luka or the baby inside me.  
  
I don't want to imagine my baby in my arms. I don't want to think about what color the eyes will be, if it's a boy or a girl. I don't want to feel little arms around my neck. I don't want to worry about bi-polar disease or anything bad ever happening to the child.  
  
I need a drink.  
  
I get to my feet slowly. It's like I can't stop myself. The thought of a good, strong drink filled my head and I want one. My mind knows it's a bad idea, for me and the baby, but I can't stop my feet from walking to the door…  
  
The phone rings just as I put my hand on the knob. It's Carter. I know it's Carter. He'll panic if I don't answer. He'll drive over here to check on me. And he'll really panic when I'm not here.  
  
I can't do that to him.  
  
"Hello?" I murmur into the receiver.  
  
"Abby," Carter says. "I just wanted…"  
  
"I'm fine, Carter. I'm just sitting on the couch watching TV. I'm okay."  
  
He sighs, and I imagine him pushing his fingers against his eyes. "I know. I just wanted to check on you."  
  
I want to scream at him to stop acting like my mother. "I'll see you at work tomorrow, right?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Good. We'll talk then. Try to relax, Carter. I'm a big girl."  
  
"Call me…"  
  
"You know you're the first one I'll call if I need anything. Good night, Carter."  
  
"Night."  
  
I hang up before he can say anything else. I wish talking to him had been a distraction from the thought of drinking, but my feet retrace the path to the door. And this time I step out…  
  
Ten minutes later I'm standing in front of Luka's apartment.   
  
I never made it to the liquor store.   
  
I don't even know if Luka is home. He could be at work. Or somewhere else. I doubt he's sitting around waiting for me to come knocking at his door.   
  
I feel like I'm climbing a mountain to get to his door. I don't remember the stairs being so steep. I never used to have to hold on to the railing to keep my balance…  
  
For just one second, I feel like I'm flying…  
  
* * * * * * * *  
  
How's that for a cliff-hanger ending? Use the review option to let me know your thoughts at this point. I really want to know what you're thinking. Come on, don't be shy. It only takes a moment and it means the world to me…Thanks for reading! Extra thanks for reviewing… 


	9. Chapter 9

Ring Around The Rosie  
  
An ER fan fiction by AbCaLuDa  
  
**The first 8 chapters of this fic have been limited to Abby's first person narrative. The last chapter ended with a bit of a cliff hanger, and Abby seems unable to narrate this chapter…So I'm handing it over to Luka, so we can get a little peek into his head, maybe find out how he feels about what's going on…Hope it's not too confusing for anybody…Hopefully you'll feel it adds to the story to see Luka's POV…Be sur to let me know in review!  
  
Chapter 9  
  
"So what's your story?" she asks. She told me her name is Glenda, like the good witch in The Wizard Of Oz, but she thinks she's more like Dorothy, whatever that means. I've never seen the movie. I just nodded and tried to say 'Uh-huh', 'Sure", or "I see" at the appropriate times during her speech.  
  
The whole time she was talking, my thoughts kept drifting back to Abby, wondering where she is, what she's doing, how she's doing. She said the baby isn't mine, but I don't see how that is even possible. I think she's only saying that to protect me because I know she isn't going to keep it. She's probably had an abortion by now.  
  
I can't blame her. I guess that's why I didn't try to stop her. Even if the baby is mine. Maybe I should have tried to talk to her. I could have tried to convince her to keep the baby and give it a try, but she's afraid. She knows having a child is an awesome responsibility, and she probably isn't ready for it. Especially with al the health risks from her side. She doesn't realize what an awesome joy having a child is, she hasn't experienced it so she can't know it's unlike anything else this world could ever offer.  
  
I should have tried to talk to her.  
  
"Are you going to tell me or make me guess?" Glenda who thinks she is a Dorothy invades my thoughts.  
  
I sigh and push a hand through my hair. "There isn't anything to tell."  
  
"Sure there is. You're not from around here. You could start with that." I only shrug. I've never been comfortable talking about myself. "I mean, you're here. Most men don't come here unless they have a story. You're running away from something, aren't you? Is it your wife? Are you married? It doesn't matter, really. That's it, isn't it? You're married…"  
  
I shake my head. "No, I'm not married." My thumb caresses my ring finger where my wedding band used to be.  
  
"Good." She smiles and runs a finger along my jaw. I feel the resistance of the beginning of my beard. She giggles and leans in to kiss me. I close my eyes and try to lose myself in it, in her, even if it's only a moment.  
  
I pull out of the kiss and put my hands on her shoulders to hold her off. She licks her lips and tries to look sexy.   
  
"I'm sorry," I look into her eyes, and there is nothing there. The eyes are supposed to be the window to the soul, but hers are just dull blue orbs staring back at me. I take a deep breath. "You seem like a really wonderful person, but this really isn't working for me."   
  
"What?" She bats her eyes and tries to look hurt.  
  
I put a hundred dollar bill on the bar in front of her. "Pay for the drinks and keep the change." She doesn't even try to stop me leaving.  
  
I turn the radio up in the car as loud as my ears can take it and speed when I can just for the thrill of it. I don't care if I wreck, and I think about stopping at the liquor store.  
  
Something seems a little off all of a sudden, just a gut feeling, a strange tingly sensation telling me something isn't right. I don't know what, or where, or why I feel it. It's just there. Like a lump in my throat and butterflies in my belly.   
  
Abby. I think of her suddenly, and she appears in the road in front of me. I swerve, but there's nothing there and I know there's nothing there. But it seemed so real, for a split second I really thought she was there, standing in the middle of the road.  
  
I drive by Abby's apartment, and the lights are on. Maybe she's come home. I get out and ring up. She doesn't answer. I try three times before calling her on my cell phone. No answer still.   
  
I hate to do it, and I debate about it for several minutes before I dial Carter's number.   
  
"Abby?" he picks up immediately.  
  
"No. It's Luka."  
  
"Luka?"  
  
"Is Abby with you?"  
  
"No. I took her home a few hours ago. She wanted to go home."  
  
I look up at the windows. Her light is definitely on. "I'm here right now. She's not answering the door."  
  
"Maybe she's sleeping."  
  
"I don't think so." My pager starts humming at my waist. I look down at the number. It's the ER. "I have to go. The ER is paging me. Will you check on her?"  
  
"I'm getting the page too," he says. "Do you think…"  
  
"I'll meet you there." I end the call and run back to my car. I don't even want to think about it, about Abby, about what kind of trouble she could be in. I focus on the music from the radio so I won't think about her…  
  
Carter is just climbing out of his jeep when I get to the hospital. He waits for me and we walk in together.  
  
"Where is she?" I demand as soon as we're inside.  
  
Randi is on the hone, but she puts her hand over the receiver. "Trauma One. Susan and Kerry are working on her."  
  
Carter asks what happened, but I don't wait for the answer. I've already started toward the trauma room.  
  
* * * * * * * *   
  
Stay tuned for the next chapter to find out what happens next…Don't you just love a good cliff hanger ending? Give me a few more seconds of your time and leave me a review. It makes me happy ;) Thanks for reading… 


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